THE TRIANGLE OF DISCOURAGEMENT

It does not take much time interacting with teenagers to get the sense that many live behind a facade that portrays a distant, “who cares” attitude. This attitude is one that causes many parents sleepless nights as they begin to worry about what their teen is hiding.

In some instances it may be exactly what a parent typically fears, but not always. Our discussions with students revealed that the cause of the distance may not be based on the reasons we might naturally conclude. Triangle

Placing ourselves in our teens’ shoes, looking at their world, through their eyes, unveiled what I call “the Triangle of Discouragement.” This triangle appears to affect many of our students. Is this the sole reason for the distant, who cares attitude? Unlikely, but it is one that I believe plays a significant part in the distant facade.

In our sessions with high school students from across the country they reported that rarely, if ever, do they feel successful in their faith. Why?; because they had failed in implementing even the basic disciplines of the faith and fallen prey to temptation. They cannot reconcile the forgiveness and grace they have been taught with the message that they can and should avoid sin, especially once they have already fallen. In the Internet age, a significant percentage have fallen prey, in a way that strikes deeply in the soul. The combination of these factors results in their conclusion, “I am a spiritual failure”; leg one of the triangle.

Junior high and high school are a time of great change in our students lives. They become self-conscious. Comparison and fitting in become a high priority. For some, high school is a time of great achievement and a sense of success, but for many it is the opposite. Students feel like they are not attractive enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, along with all the other insecurities that arise with dating. This leads to the conclusion, “I do not measure up”; leg two of the triangle.Bridging the gap between youth and college/career ministries is what LiveAbove.com is all about. Today the site offers students the ability to connect to 5,400 ministries on 3,300 campuses nationwide.

This understanding led me to examine my own home and my interaction with my daughter, a junior high student and her 10 year old sister. What I found bothered me deeply once I began to see things through the eyes of other teenagers. I was, in one very real sense, expecting them to be perfect. Every time they had a bad attitude, treated their sibling poorly, did not execute their duties well, I met them with correction, discipline and/or consequences.

The message I was sending, “get it right all the time!” or “expect a lecture, a stern face, or a loss of responsibility or privilege.” It was with this in mind that I re-examined Jesus’ interaction with sinners, children and his disciples. Frankly I was deeply convicted. Did He meet failure with distain and consequence or with compassion and love? Was discipline & external motivation (consequences) Jesus’ secret to changing the world through His disciples or was it grace, love, compassion and an incredible example of these attributes?

Our teens are telling me that what they want most is to be believed in, trusted, and accepted, warts and all. Jesus gave this to His disciples and the power it had in their lives was transforming. When our students are met with a sense of failure in their school, at church and at home, do they have any choice, but to numb out their feelings, grow distant and withdraw? This sense of failure opens the door to the one place were they will be accepted, the sinful undercurrent of our youth culture today.

The challenge is a big one, creating an environment of acceptance, belief and trust for our teens in a fallen world. Jesus extended Peter this love and trust in spite of Peter denying Him three times. Did Jesus come back from the dead and come down on Peter, removing his position as Rock of the Church or did He encourage him and extend him the responsibility of the Great Commission? I see this pattern in the lives of so many of our Biblical heros: Moses murdered, then led Israel, etc.

We are all sinners, so should we expect our teens to live perfectly or to fail? How should we meet them when they fail, as they argue with us and do ungodly things? With consequences and removal of responsibility or with our Shepherd's encouraging and understanding ways?

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